ALPHABET OF ADVERTISING
By: K. G. SREENIVAS Dated: December 03, 2014
P.K. Anil Kumar is Creative Head & Managing Partner at Minority Brand Creation and Management LLP. He is also a writer, poet, filmmaker, dramatist, artist, and traveller… Above all he is irreverent though he says, “Advertising is serious business, and it is great fun if you understand the seriousness involved”. Anil’s ‘ABC of Advertising’, as it were, is an irreverent take on advertising, which he believes is no ‘rocket science’ either…
It’s like a Joker. A Joker in the pack. It can fit in anywhere. It can fit with movies. It can fit with news… sport… music… cartoon… It can go with the traffic. It can go with the crowd… It can go on…
A for Advertising: Even if it begins with Z, it would still be correct. Because an Ad is the result of a lot of Blood, Sweat, and Shit. And after shedding blood, drenched in sweat, and swallowing shit, you can’t possibly go wrong. You can evade death, but you can’t dodge an Ad, because unknown to you, you belong to some Socio-Economic Group.
B for Advertising: Because that’s the origin. That’s where it all starts… that’s where it screams out from, and that’s what you get. Briefs, Bins, Billboards, and Bullshit.
C for Advertising: If they are not there, we don’t exist. Clients are the reason we exist, otherwise sanitary napkins would have never entered men’s life. The journey begins from their office. And they send us challenges that come wrapped in odour. The smell is evident in their briefs, it stinks. It also comes with an invisible asterisk to remind you that anything and everything in the brief is subject to change without prior notice...
D for Advertising: Deadlines precede production. Don’ts outnumber do’s. Designations have nothing to do with degrees. Dustbins are where you find bulbs with live filaments.
E for Advertising: English, eenglisss, enngulyesh or whatever… the 26 letters play a significant role in Advertising. Any language can be written in English. And English can be spoken in any language. So, that covers the entire species of Target Audience.
F for Advertising: If your brand can Fart better than others it will be heard, if it smells stronger than others, it will be noticed. And if it is plain air, it disappears in thin air. So, it is not science or art, it is Fart. Pure Fart. Applied Fart. Commercial Fart. All in one.
G for Advertising: it is Gay. Men attract men. Men sell condoms to men. Men sell underwear. Men sell fairness creams. Men sell soaps. And if they say just do it, it’s definitely male.
H for Advertising: Headache. Heartache. Hypertension. What else do you get if you are interrupted and reminded of Income Tax Filing just when the hero is about to take his girlfriend to bed. You are informed of a very very long lasting condom the day after a one-night stand.
I for Advertising: It’s all about I. Massage egos. Hurt egos. Play with egos. “I can do this… can you?” “I do this… do you?” “I can fly, can’t you?” “I smell good, why don’t you?” “I am going …are you coming?” “I will have fun, so can you!”
J for Advertising: It’s like a Joker. A Joker in the pack. It can fit in anywhere. It can fit with movies. It can fit with news… sport… music… cartoon… It can go with the traffic. It can go with the crowd… It can go on.
K for Advertising: Remove K and advertising is left with CMY. And all the B&W Ads go for a toss. Hair Ads will never be the same again. Eyes will never be beautiful again. Nights never dark. Roads never charming… A zebra will lose its stripes. A leopard its spots… Dark humour won’t be affected though.
L for Advertising: Logo? If you see one, you have reached an Advertisement. They are illusions. They look small to the owners. They look big to the creators. They are seen but cannot be heard. In fact they are more like condoms that get stuck for no reason… People on top insist on putting it, people at the bottom try to avoid it, and if it’s damaged, you are screwed.
M for Advertising: It’s pure Magic. It makes you feel hotter and you get home an AC. It makes you feel hungry and you order a pizza. It makes you feel tired and you buy capsules. It makes you feel rejected and you buy a new cell phone. It makes you feel ignored and you buy a deodorant. It helps you make up your mind by just getting into your thoughts and staying there.
N for Advertising: They are Nocturnal. They shine from billboards through neon lights. They talk to you in between primetime soaps. They reach you in the car through radio when you are rushing back home. They are talked about in late-night parties. They are created when half the world is sleeping. And they use Stars who promise you the moon.
O for Advertising: If the big O is missing, the whole point is missing. What you take home in your mind is Orgasmic. What you left behind was impotent. If they don’t give you a hard-on, it’s the client who really gets screwed. They are supposed to titillate… And make love to your thoughts and overpower them till you come, as in come to the shop and surrender to your thoughts.
P for Advertising: Propositions rule. It promises propositions that are as unique as any other. A pair of shoes that brings out the athlete in you. A car that brings out the pilot in you. A fairness cream that brings out the woman in you. A balm that brings out the physician in you. A condom that brings out the ****er…r.. lover in you. A shaving blade that brings out the man in you… A chocolate that brings out the kid in you. Just when you think that it is the end of uniqueness, they shove their hands into the hat and pull out rabbits that bark, rabbits that sing, and rabbits that fly.
Q for Advertising: It’s an everyday Quiz. Don’t you need this? Do you think what you have is good enough? Don’t you think you stink? Is it right for you to have a smaller car than your neighbour? Do you know ribbed is better than dotted? Don’t you want your kid to grow faster than his friends? Don’t you think you should save enough for tomorrow? Nobody lives for ever, then why are you not spending enough? What are you waiting for! Christmas? Hope you are planning for your next Christmas?
R for Advertising: Contrary to popular belief, it is Rocket science. The counting is always backwards. It is launched. It orbits in a different space. It has three departments put into one and after it takes off, it splits. It doesn’t take off easily and once off it travels at a speed of 11.2 km/sec. And you never know where exactly it will land.
S for Advertising: It Sucks. As in not the sucks suck, but the fellatio sucks. And it does a fairly good job of blowing things out of proportion and proposition. You see the prospective “You” having fun with hot chicks. “You” don’t drive cars, “You” fly choppers. “You” wear a watch that reflects your attitude and once in a while, shows time. “You” decide the flow of the wind. “You” are you, you never knew. And nothing else makes you feel so good and so miserable at the same time.
T for Advertising: It’s all about identifying the Target. If the target is missed, targets are missed. The more numbers you hit, the better results you get. And we look forward to two very unique breeds that make hunting really interesting. Low-hanging fruits and sitting ducks.
U for Advertising: Urinals are where most of the ideas are cracked. Because most of the time you are drinking beer. And most of the time you are in a hurry to finish the pitcher because most of the time it is someone else who is paying. And like you can’t stop an idea whose time has come, you can’t hold on to a bladder whose space is full.
V for Advertising: It creates Vacuum. It creates a vacuum in your mind. In your wardrobe. Around your thoughts. In your life. In your dreams. In your present. In your future… It creates a vacuum in your moments. In your memories. In your confidence. In your choices. And once you are full of vacuum, it slowly shows you how to fill every space.
W for Advertising: If you are in advertising you are in Wonderland. You enter in here sliding down a rabbit hole. You learn to swim in the sea of your own tears. You end up attending mad tea parties and get sloshed. You are surrounded by playing cards and you are the joker. “Off with his head” is a common threat. If you argue with the King and Queen of Hearts, your dream is short-lived. And when you wake up, you are left with a cold cup of tea.
X for Advertising: An X-ray that scans you from top to bottom, inside out. You stand in front of it and you know where you stand. And you ask… Am I worth it? Isn’t there something missing? Don’t I deserve more? What I have is not what I really have. It recommends a complete changeover in your life style. It succeeds in scaring you by showing you the vacuum in your life.
Y for Advertising: They die Young. An Ad is short-lived… They come with an expiry date. They are never back on public demand. If one is talking about two times stronger, it dies the moment someone else comes and shouts they are two and a half times stronger. Their story is very similar to that of “Benjamin Button”. It starts with 60 seconds. Then 45. Then 30. 15. 10. 5. Cut to a new brief.
Z for Advertising: This world of Chaos is no less than a Zoo. It’s a Dog eat Dog world. Obviously it is incomplete without bitches. There are camels who consume a brief and store it like water for months. There are vultures hovering to celebrate the death of an idea. Chameleons who change colours. Rhinoceroses who are least affected by ignorance or insult. Parrots who are there to repeat what is told. Hyenas waiting for others to hunt. Owls who ply the night. Pigs who make sure the place is just right for them. Elephants who move in herds. Studs who make an ass of themselves and Asses who think they are studs. Ants who save for the rainy day. Tigers who hunt lions. Lions who adorn the shelves.